I like to help guys come out of their shells. Why wouldn’t you be? Your whole life is about to change! You can’t go back to your old wife or your old job looking like a go-go boy.īut that’s exactly why I chose this body for you. It would be a crime to cover up all that impressive body art, so you better get used to wearing jockstraps… only jockstraps. On the subject of fine art, let’s see some of those tats! Go ahead, no need to be bashful. But look at you now: barely 21 with the body of a Greek statue. After all, just one hour ago you were a knock-kneed, middle-aged accountant who wouldn’t so much as step in a pool without his shirt on. I know you’re not used to showing this much skin.
Have a nice flight! (and that goes for the poor guy crammed next to you. It gets pretty cold up there in Russia, but I think between all that scruff and all that muscle, you’ll feel right at home. I did leave you this nice, sleeveless sweater though.
CHRISTMAS GAY MEN MAKING OUT TUMBLR PROFESSIONAL
Maybe you’ll have a stellar career as a professional bodybuilder, or end up in a Siberian prison yourself. What to do, what to do… I guess the only option now is to stick you on a plane and send you back to the motherland, let you really reconnect with those “Russian roots.” Maybe someone there will recognize one of your tats and take you in. Not that you even know what I’m saying.Ĭhrist. You’ve inherited the brute strength of a hundred Russian strongmen, and from that doughy look on your face, it looks like you’ve inherited their less-than-staggering intellect as well, no offense. These fucking Russians are so obsessed with breeding the biggest, burliest men, and now you’ve got all their DNA balled up in one, ridiculously huge body. You got so big, it looks like you could pop at any moment. Great, so it looks like sleeveless shirts and gym shorts for the foreseeable future. Let’s start simple, like finding you some new clothes. How are you even going to fit through doors? Or bend your arms? I can only say this right now because you don’t understand a lick of English but… you look unreal, man. We also know all your male relatives were engorged muscle monsters with 10-inch cocks and literal pelts of hair… That’s the only other place I’ve seen tats like those. Okay, so we learned a couple things about your heritage, didn’t we? Like every single male relative of yours has spent time in a Siberian prison. I’ve really got to brush up on my Russian. The bad news? Ugh… do you own any XXXL shirts? Cus I think that’s all you’re gonna be able to wear from now on.ĭon’t look at me like that! I thought you had a couple drops of Russian blood, not a goddamn bucket! Besides, you’re the one who wanted to “release my inner Russian beast.” Is this not exactly what you asked for?!Īaaaaaand you can’t even tell what I’m saying.
CHRISTMAS GAY MEN MAKING OUT TUMBLR HOW TO
Ummm… okay, so don’t freak out but… fuck how to put this delicately? Well, the good news is that you’ve definitely unlocked some Russian genes! Like I said, this is really just to gauge how deep your Russian roots go, and. Now, you probably won’t see that many changes on this first go. Let’s get you started with that first drop… alrighty sir… great! Next, I’m gonna need you to gently massage that into your beard…įantastic. So, are you ready to find out just how Russian you really are? From there, I can calculate a proper dose. One drop will change you enough to give me a sense of how much Russian blood you have. It might not feel like very much, but trust me when I say: you need to start slow. I would argue some of the most potent shit I own.Īs such, you’re gonna wanna start with just ONE drop. Turns out: his great, great grandmother had fucked a sexy Russian lumberjack, and nobody knew! He said his family was all from China, so I just assumed he didn’t have any Russian heritage.
I once lent this bottle to a friend of mine.
Translation: if you don’t have a drop of Russian blood running through your veins, nothing much will happen (though your beard will be nice and shiny!)īut if you do? Ohhhhh man, the changes I’ve seen guys go through after using this… A few drops of this sucker will unlock all your dormant Russian genes-and I mean all of them. Of course! I never pass up an opportunity to help someone reconnect with their cultural heritage, and I certainly always have something for the job.Įver tried beard oil? Well, I doubt you’ve ever tried anything quite like this. Do you have anything that can help me on my journey to release my inner Russian muscle beast? I’ve recently been trying to get back in touch with my Russian cultural roots.